Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?
A. By the ears.

Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room

Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.

Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts.

Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.

Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 45 lbs.

Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can't make a fist.

Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A. Finger painting.

Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!

Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles

Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.

Q. What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A. A fruit stand!

Q. Why did dinosaurs have sex under water?
A. You try to keep five hundred pounds of pussy wet!

Q. What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a trampoline?
A. I take my shoes of to jump on a trampoline

Q. What's worse then 10 dead babies nailed to one tree?
A. One dead baby nailed to 10 trees

Q. What's the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies?
A. I don't have a Porsche in my garage

Q. Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?
A. They kept trying each other.

Q. What's the difference between a Trisket and a lesbian?
A. A Trisket is a snack cracker and a lesbian is a crack snacker!

Q. why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?
A. To see her crack

Q. What is the difference between great literature and pornography?
A. Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty.

Q. Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
A. To keep its nuts dry.

Q. Why was Tigger's head in the toilet?
A. He was looking for pooh!

q.what do u call a deer with no eyes & no legs?
a.still no idea

She looked OK for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We had a few drinks, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

"What's that?" I asked

"It's a Mother and Daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No" - excitedly.

Then she says that tonight was "my lucky night".

As you can imagine my imagination went into overdrive.

We had a couple more drinks and caught a taxi back to her place, it was a nice house in a nice area. She got out her keys, opened the front door and we went into her house.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
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"Mum, are you still awake?"

Have you seen the identical lesbian twins ?

They even lick alike !

Sorry to any offended blondes out there !

'Because it's not safe', replied the doctor.

'But I need it really bad', said the man.

'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife is coming on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose.'

The doctor finally relented, saying, 'Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'

On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, 'What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like,
But you may not speak until directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her,
'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine,
And the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery,
The Priest again called Sister Mary K atherine in to his office.
'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest,
'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"Shit, I missed."