Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese

That's not right!
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Fuk

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift!
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here!
Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet!
Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone!
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week!
Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great! Fa Kin Su Pa

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

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A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie
neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new
guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up
the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his
front yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt
these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome
on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again,
but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks
through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into
a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another
"Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold
for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one
last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man
leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his
head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to
the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it
with your Chinese customs?

I come over to welcome you
to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard
after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass,
and drinking it, and then today you have your head so
close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir,
you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these
Australian Customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie,
"Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me" replied the
Chinese man," He say to become true Australian, I learn chase
chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit"

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,

'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband' thought for a moment:

'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love,

but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof!

the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember

fairies are female.

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"Wull Met, in Noo Zulland we hev so much sand to make the glasses thet we don't need to drunk et of the sem gless ither," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi, then catches the glass. He turns to the astonished barman, hands him the glass and says,

"In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'

Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge......

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have got out today!"

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything left to live for but he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20-odd years, he felt fantastic, but felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see. size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old!'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testies up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!'

New suit - 400
New shirt - 36
New underwear - 6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS!!!

In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

"Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine,'?"asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Grda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow,Bessie".

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I
was Thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the F*ck would you say?"

Beer contains female hormones
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the
results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in
beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women
.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

A scrotum pole !!!!

..... you can blame my young nephew for that one.