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Malcolm Smart Australia (Verified User) Posts 12802 Dogs 19 / Races 34 11 Jan 2019 22:40
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A priest was walking through Sydney's Botanic gardens when he saw a sad -looking frog sitting on a rock in the middle of the pond.Why are you so unhappy.? he asked.. Well I wasn't always like this, I used to be a happy, normal boy of eleven, a choirboy at St Patrick's church. But one day I was walking through the gardens and I met a witch. "Go away wicked witch" , I said . Whereupon she turned me into a frog..My poor child.' said the priest. Can the witches curse ever be reversed.? Yes, said the frog, if a nice , kind person were to take me home and give me a hot meal and put me in a nice warm bed and make sure I was kept warm all night. Then next morning, Id wake up as a little boy once more., The priest put the frog in his pocket, took him home, gave him a bath and a hot meal and put him into his bed.. When the priest woke up the next morning , beside him was an 11 year old choirboy......And that, Royal Commissioner Wood, is why Im innocent of Paedophillia......
Ryan Vanderwert Australia (Verified User) Posts 5957 Dogs 8 / Races 0 13 Jan 2019 23:31
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a few wks ago someone sent me a pic of Mundine lying on the canvas after Horn knocked him out with the caption 'Aboriginal Art'
Malcolm Smart Australia (Verified User) Posts 12802 Dogs 19 / Races 34 14 Jan 2019 00:36
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Ryan Vanderwert wrote:
a few wks ago someone sent me a pic of Mundine lying on the canvas after Horn knocked him out with the caption 'Aboriginal Art'
got one after the german knocked him out, "aboriginal dreamtime."
Malcolm Smart Australia (Verified User) Posts 12802 Dogs 19 / Races 34 27 Jan 2019 23:27
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i saw a indian man asleep on the train today and noticed a little red dot on his forehead... and thought..... he must be on standby....
I bumped into a cross eyed woman today and she shouted, "You need to look where you're going"... I said, "Fuck off, you need to go where you're looking"...
Our neighbour's dog as shit in our garden so my wife told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.
I was standing in a nightclub last night, when some bloke approached me. He said, "Are you looking at my bird?" "I certainly am," I smiled. "She's got a fantastic arse." He said, "You wanna smack?" I said, "Yeah go on then, will she mind?
Ive just finished cutting the grass He wont be fucking talking to the police again..
Just hired an Eastern European cleaner, she took 5 hours to hoover the house, turns out she was a Slovak...
If you have a homeless relative and you win the lottery and don't give them the box from your new 62 inch TV then you're an arsehole.
. Does anyone have OXFAMS number? just got my water bill and it's over 300....I saw on the telly the other day that they can supply a family with clean water for 3 a month... sorry ANGLIAN WATER but I'm switching supplier!...
My appointment for Job Seekers Allowance is at 10am every other Friday and I'm there promptly at 9.55am, yet I'm still kept waiting until 10.30 to sign on. It's a disgrace. Don't they know some of us have got fucking jobs to go to?
Malcolm Smart Australia (Verified User) Posts 12802 Dogs 19 / Races 34 07 Feb 2019 09:58
I don't understand my wife. She seemed enthusiastic when I suggested we make some homemade porn, then she throws a fuckin' fit when I start auditioning women for her part.
The doctor just came into the hospital waiting room after my wife's accident. "How is she doctor?" I asked.
He said, "I'm afraid your wife has got a nasty gash!"
"Well, I know that doctor," I told him. "But what about her injuries?"
Malcolm Smart Australia (Verified User) Posts 12802 Dogs 19 / Races 34 07 Feb 2019 23:49
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For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!" 😂😂😂
Malcolm Smart Australia (Verified User) Posts 12802 Dogs 19 / Races 34 07 Feb 2019 23:52
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A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.' Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'
Grant Thomas Australia (Verified User) Posts 11447 Dogs 64 / Races 20 08 Feb 2019 00:01
Lianne Cook Australia (Verified User) Posts 13438 Dogs 100 / Races 97 17 Feb 2019 06:21
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
Malcolm Smart Australia (Verified User) Posts 12802 Dogs 19 / Races 34 27 Feb 2019 20:26
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Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors. After tests the doctor suggest Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest a swap. I'll fuck her and you waft the towel. Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friend slowly and say's "and that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel.
Lianne Cook Australia (Verified User) Posts 13438 Dogs 100 / Races 97 08 Mar 2019 06:22
Dear Husband , Im writing you this letter to tell you that Im leaving you forever. I've been a good woman to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didnt even notice I had a new hairdo, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk knickers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your sports shows. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you dont want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you dont love me anymore; whatever the case, Im gone.
Your EX-Wife
P.S. dont try to find me. Your brother and I are moving away to together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my sports so much because they drown out your constant whining I did notice when you got a hairdo last week but the first thing that came to mind was You look just like a boy! Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didnt comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my brother because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk knickers: I turned away from you because the $49.90 price tag was still on them, and I hoped it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 50 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you wont get a cent from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Husband, Rich and free!
P.S. I dont know if I ever told you this, but my brother Patrick was born Patricia. I hope thats not a problem!!..☺
1. *The meaning of opaque is unclear.* 2. *I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.* 3. *Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.* 6. *If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.* 7. *It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you* 8. *It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.* 9. *So what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.* 10. *Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.* 11. *The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester* 12.. *Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.* 13. *Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.* 14. *I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.* 15. *Atheism is a non-prophet organization* 17. *I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.* 18. *The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.* 19. *What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.* 20. *Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!* 21. *My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.* 23. *A relief map shows where the restrooms are.* 24. *There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.* 25. *How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.*
Peter Gurry Australia (Verified User) Posts 9248 Dogs 18 / Races 25 13 Apr 2019 13:20
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Mal AKA Mr Wenty, I know you were on the lookout for me tonight at Wenty in case I slipped in unnoticed through the gates supporting Dr Huss's Blasterd Abba in the 1st. I could see you on the TV from the safety of my lounge room after each race as you hopped onto the track lookinng left and right for me then to greet the winning trainer at the post to send them to Ronny A for an interview, what intrigued me was the white sheet of paper you had grip of in your right hand. Opening this thread at midnight tonight I now know what it was, it's the farking 25 one line jokes you had posted above this afternoon. - Your Melbourne Mate Macwollie EXTERNAL LINK Look for Mal about 1:25 mins into the video and Blastered A just missed qualifying, damn.
Mal AKA Mr Wenty, I know you were on the lookout for me tonight at Wenty in case I slipped in unnoticed through the gates supporting Dr Huss's Blasterd Abba in the 1st. I could see you on the TV from the safety of my lounge room after each race as you hopped onto the track lookinng left and right for me then to greet the winning trainer at the post to send them to Ronny A for an interview, what intrigued me was the white sheet of paper you had grip of in your right hand. Opening this thread at midnight tonight I now know what it was, it's the farking 25 one line jokes you had posted above this afternoon. - Your Melbourne Mate Macwollie EXTERNAL LINK Look for Mal about 1:25 mins into the video and Blastered A just missed qualifying, damn.
Yes , I was try out the jokes on the trainers, but was bombing.....LMAO, wish I'd know I was on , would have hid, shame, nearly in every race...
Peter Gurry Australia (Verified User) Posts 9248 Dogs 18 / Races 25 14 Apr 2019 12:02
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Mal AKA Mr Wenty, So if Ronny had gone arse over tit which nearly happened when he was exiting the track after interviewing Peter Leggyonly you would have had to have taken over as MC for the rest of the evening and you could of tried out your hot 25 one liners on the the Wenty Park crowd to make it a real super bomb out. BTW you farking knew you were on, it the camera is always on that spot at Wenty to show the finishing numbers and race time. - Your mate Mockers Macwollie (BTW sorry can't make it up to Egg final now Huss is out so you can keep the bar open for free piss for another hour or two and I'm still waiting on a city class dog of my own to come up and shit stir you personally again, been waiting 45 years and counting).
Mal AKA Mr Wenty, So if Ronny had gone arse over tit which nearly happened when he was exiting the track after interviewing Peter Leggyonly you would have had to have taken over as MC for the rest of the evening and you could of tried out your hot 25 one liners on the the Wenty Park crowd to make it a real super bomb out. BTW you farking knew you were on, it the camera is always on that spot at Wenty to show the finishing numbers and race time. - Your mate Mockers Macwollie (BTW sorry can't make it up to Egg final now Huss is out so you can keep the bar open for free piss for another hour or two and I'm still waiting on a city class dog of my own to come up and shit stir you personally again, been waiting 45 years and counting).
Hurry up with this city class dog, we're both getting older by the year, btw,we were thinking about the free piss since you weren't coming , but decided not to as we thought its enough giving the prizemoney to you mexicans...
Peter Gurry Australia (Verified User) Posts 9248 Dogs 18 / Races 25 15 Apr 2019 00:56
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For the URGENT ATTENTION of all table holders to the GEE final this coming Easter Saturday (April 20) WENTWORTH PARK dog track Sydney, top level, Main Grandstand, drink up quick as the free piss gets turned off at 8pm, normal bar prices commence after that time as advised by Mr Wenty. - Mexican Macwollie (one who has suffered from such an experience ) this is NO JOKE!
Peter Gurry Australia (Verified User) Posts 9248 Dogs 18 / Races 25 16 Apr 2019 03:38
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Hey Mal Wenthworth, I've just heard that Blastered Abba has scored a guernsey in the Grp 3 $25K Ambrosoli which entitles the main man (Dr. Huss) to two free tickets for din dins. What time does the bar open 6pm? yes? beauty a good solid 2 hours of drinking before you pull the pin, reminisce of the old 6 o'clock swill days of the sixties. You'll just have to wait and see the names on the guest list on your night of nights any more fark ups ie: the signs fiasco could result in one possibly getting the lemonaide and sars from Wenty. - Cheers Acapulco Macwollie
Hey Mal Wenthworth, I've just heard that Blastered Abba has scored a guernsey in the Grp 3 $25K Ambrosoli which entitles the main man (Dr. Huss) to two free tickets for din dins. What time does the bar open 6pm? yes? beauty a good solid 2 hours of drinking before you pull the pin, reminisce of the old 6 o'clock swill days of the sixties. You'll just have to wait and see the names on the guest list on your night of nights any more fark ups ie: the signs fiasco could result in one possibly getting the lemonaide and sars from Wenty. - Cheers Acapulco Macwollie
OK , place names to be rearranged , next to the loo for you...
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